


When you write a Gintama crossover fanfic is it really a crossover or is it just Gintama making a copyright-infringing parody again?

by MeepyCoconut



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Gintama
Genre: Bending (Avatar), Gen, Not a Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 23:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20515445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeepyCoconut/pseuds/MeepyCoconut
Summary: Gin and friends obtain a free coupon for a training session at a “bending” dojo run by some Amanto travellers who might seem slightly familiar to fans of Avatar. As with all things Gintama, this descends into insanity.However, the appearance of certain other residents of Edo may suggest that something deeper is going on behind the scenes..?





	When you write a Gintama crossover fanfic is it really a crossover or is it just Gintama making a copyright-infringing parody again?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Calawethrin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calawethrin/gifts).

A spaceship flies through the blue sky as the camera pans and reveals the cityscape of Edo below and many more such vessels filling the airspace above. People stare up at the ships from the alleys below. Humanoid aliens with canine features and futuristic dress walk arrogantly through the streets as people avoid and make way for them. Other unusual alien species with cyborg and octopus-like features can be seen around the densely populated shopping district. As this scene plays out, Shinpachi narrates to the viewer:  
  
“Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years have passed and the Fire Nation is nearing victory in the War. Two years ago... Hey, wait a damn second this isn’t the usual introduction speech! Did the scripts get messed up or something?”  
  
“What I meant to say is this: The land of the Samurai. It has now been a long time since our country was called by that name. Twenty years ago, the Amanto arrived from space and...”  
  
An interruption by Gintoki cuts the narration short.  
  
“Pachi, really, no one needs to hear this anymore. Anyone going out of their way to read a Gintama fanfic knows this already. The readers would appreciate it more if we moved on with the story instead don’t ya think?”  
  
The complaint is continued seamlessly as a girl with an overly stereotypically Chinese manner of speech adds:  
  
“Besides, starting off with this anti-Amanto stuff all the time is propaganda! Discrimination!”  
  
Our narrator, with no will to argue back, submits to the demands of his interrupters.  
  
“Very well then, we can just cut to the title screen and get on with it then.”  
  
The words ‘When you write a Gintama crossover fanfic is it really a crossover or is it just Gintama making a copyright-infringing parody again?’ are very tightly packed onto the screen, written in calligraphic style in white on a black background.  
  
\--  
  
Sakata Gintoki [2] stands at the open doorway to an apartment on the ground floor of a housing complex in central Kabuki District, Edo. As the sun sets in the orange sky behind the rows of buildings, his long shadow is cast down the empty street. The length of the shadow reminds him how long a day it has been, made to feel all the longer by the hunger of skipped meals.  
  
It is too late for the afternoon bustle of shoppers and people going about their daily business, but too early for the crowds that will surely soon gather for the nightlife attractions of the host and hostess clubs the neighbourhood is famed for. In the lonely quietness of this situation, the sound of a door slamming in his face echoes a few times.  
  
Gintoki stands still for a moment as the gust of air from the violently closed door causes his ever-curly silver hair and the material of his clothes to flow backwards. A few seconds of silence after the echoes have faded, a grim look on Gintoki’s face takes form as he begins to frantically pound the door with his fist.  
  
“Don’t screw with me you decrepit old bastard! I helped find your long lost son! Just because you’re mad that he married an Amanto girl and ran away from home doesn’t mean you get to not pay me! You don’t know how much I wanted to eat a strawberry parfait on the way home!”  
  
No response.  
  
A deep sigh came from the mouth of the Odd Jobs man. This was nothing new. Another day of poverty was not much. As he wondered whether any of Sadaharu’s dog food was left over at home, he slowly began to walk away. As he did so, the door of the residence that he was about to depart from slightly opened again, and a slip of paper was tossed out at his feet. His “customer”, if you can even still call someone with no intention of paying by that noun, had not changed his mind about parting with any money in pity for the starved samurai. Instead, what Gintoki found on the floor was a sheet of coupons, cut out from some local newspaper or magazine no doubt.  
  
“Well... at worst I can always eat the paper. Ink must have some nutritional value... right? I wonder if it’s sweet...”  
  
Such despondent mumblings were heard passing through the streets of the Kabuki District as the sun continued to set that night.  
  
\--  
  
“Gin-san, I’m coming in.”  
  
The next morning, the Odd Jobs employee Shimura Shinpachi arrived for work at Odd Jobs Gin-chan, situated above Snack Otose, a bar run by an old lady (or, if you were to ask Gintoki, a savage cryptid who is probably sucking his blood or planning to possess his body as he sleeps to make up for missed rent payments).  
  
What greeted Shinpachi was not the voice of his employer or that of his fellow worker Kagura, but instead the rumbling of their stomachs resonating through the room like a small earthquake. His boss was unflatteringly spread across the floor, groaning. He identified a similarly miserable sound emanating from the door to the closet in which his co-worker slept. Upon the table in the middle of the room he found half a strip of coupons covered in bite marks and dripping with saliva.  
  
“I see we didn’t get paid again...”  
  
A faint response came from the silver-haired wreck across the room.  
  
“You bet. Hope you weren’t expecting a paycheck, Shinpachi.”  
  
“My sister says I should be taking you to court if you miss another month’s salary.”  
  
Agreement sounded from the closet. “I’m sure the judges won’t be happy to find out you have a malnourished underage girl living in your closet too.” [3]  
  
“Go for it. It’s not like anyone else will employ a sentient pair of glasses and an illegal immigrant from Planet Mountain Gorilla though.”  
  
Resisting the urge to argue against his employer’s usual mocking sense of humour, and instead focusing his energies on beginning to think of a speech to give about rallying and trying to find more work today, Shinpachi glanced over the coupons. Well, what was left of them anyway. One was still mostly intact and only moderately damp.

* * *

  
**ONE FREE TRAINING SESSION AT THE INTERPLANETARY BENDING DOJO**

  
**ONLY IN EDO FOR A SHORT TIME ON A TOUR OF THE GALAXY**

  
**● LEARN USEFUL SKILLS ●**

  
**● SELF-DEFENCE ●**

  
**● EMPLOYABILITY ●**

  
**● HOW TO QUICKLY HIDE PORN MAGAZINES ●**

* * *

  
  
Resisting the urge to criticise the last of these points, Shinpachi found himself interested in the third item.  
  
“I know… why don’t we all try this... Bending... thing? It says here it is a useful skill with employment prospects. Maybe this is the kind of thing we all need right now.”  
  
Kagura flopped out of the closet and retorted. “Shinpachi, the only things you can bend are the rays of light going through your glasses. You’re not cut out for it. Let’s rob a bank or something instead.”  
  
Shinpachi continued to read the coupon, ignoring the usual berating.  
  
“It says here there will be free food though...”  
  
\--  
  
Later that morning, going to the address indicated on the coupon, the members of Odd Jobs Gin-chan found themselves staring at a set of large circus-style tents in an unused plot of land on the outskirts of the Kabuki District. Heading towards one of the entrances to the nearest tent, with a sign labelled “NEW TRAINEES”, they were greeted by an Amanto man with light purple skin, wearing traditional monk robes and a serious expression. However he was clearly no normal monastic as unlike a typical Buddhist devotee his head was not shaved. Instead, an all-too-obvious wig rested upon his scalp. Furthermore a blue arrow marking was on his forehead, pointing down towards his face and a winged lemur-like creature (albeit with a third eye) rested upon his shoulder.  
  
“Greetings, Earthlings. Are you here to experience the art of Bending?”  
  
Gintoki, plucking a nose hair, nonchalantly responded “Eh, I guess. Shinpachi, show him the coupon. There really is free food, right?”  
  
Shinpachi handed him the coupon.  
  
“Ah, I see you have one of our promotional offers for a free training session. Of course, the food is inside once we get you signed up. My name is Ankh, and I am an Airbender.”  
  
“Hair bender?” asked Kagura, starting to lean around slightly and get a closer look at the man’s wig.  
  
“Yes, an AIRbender” responded Ankh, pretending to not hear the girl’s possibly-deliberate misinterpretation. He continued: “I can control the air and winds with my martial arts.” as he entered a fighting stance and, with a swing of his arm, blew some leaflets on a nearby table into the hands of the three new trainees. With the slight breeze this caused, his wig lifted slightly.  
  
Kagura of course could not hide her amusement, but Shinpachi and Gintoki’s eyes were also reflexively moved towards the slight gap between the head and the wig for a moment. The three Odd Jobs members got a stern glance from Ankh as he instructed “Please, feel free to direct your eyes to this information while I set up the test to see what kind of bending you are each suited to.”  
  
Ankh proceeded to bring over a small table and a cup of water. Muttering under his breath “Hmph, they were supposed to be more impressed by the Airbending than that, why do I have to do this...”  
  
Finishing, he placed the cup in the middle of the table and then floated a leaf on top.  
  
Gintoki looked up from the leaflet and said “Hey... this looks familiar... haven’t I seen this somewhere before?”  
  
“Don’t worry, it is all explained in the leaflet.” replied the Airbender.  
  
Kagura, flipping to the back of the informative guide in her hands, exclaimed “Ah, it’s true. It’s all in this chapter of Hunger X Hunger printed in here.”  
  
Having a closer look at what Kagura had been reading, Shinpachi pointed out “Kagura... that’s just JUMP...”  
  
“Oh dear, did one of the Earth books I was reading on my break get mixed in with the promotional materials? I’m ever so sorry.” Ankh apologised laughingly as he replaced Kagura’s copy of JUMP with an actual Bending guide.  
  
Gintoki whispered to Shinpachi “I get the feeling this guy has been reading too much JUMP since coming here and just made this up on the spot... there’s nothing about Water Divination in the manual...”  
  
Ankh began to demonstrate. “Please place your hands in turn around the cup like this and concentrate your mind on it. When you do...”  
  
The leaf began to spin around.  
  
“... depending on which Bending type you have an affinity for, a different thing will happen.”  
  
Kagura went first. After a moment of focusing on the cup, the leaf sank to the bottom.  
  
“Ah, yes, this means you are an Earthbender.”  
  
Gintoki followed and made the water begin to flow out of the cup.  
  
“And here we have a Waterbender.”  
  
Gin replied “Actually when I pee it does sometimes bend off to one side. I think you might be right.”  
  
Ankh gave a blank stare before beckoning Shinpachi to try next with a slow turn of his head.  
  
After a minute or so passed Shinpachi had still not had any effect on the leaf or the water in the cup.  
  
“Uhm... I think it’s broken...” he complained to Ankh.  
  
Ankh appeared deep in thought and closely inspected Shinpachi.  
  
“Oh... I see” said Ankh as he focused on Shinpachi’s glasses. I’m afraid you won’t be able to learn Bending... you see only sapient races have the innate ability to bend. Glasses are simply not capable of bending anything but light rays.”  
  
Kagura laughed and pointed at Shinpachi “I told you so, Glasses-boy!”  
  
Shinpachi became irritated and shouted “Is this some kind of elaborate joke you’re all in on?! I’m going home!”  
  
As Shinpachi was about to walk away, he heard a familiar rough voice from the adjacent entrance to the tent.  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
A response came from a hoarse and croaking woman’s voice. “I said, sir, I’m afraid that only sapient races have the innate ability to bend. Gorillas simply cannot bend anything but steel beams.”  
  
Glancing in that direction, Shinpachi saw the three most prominent members of the Shinsengumi. The one accused of being a Gorilla was hunched over a cup on a table with a pained expression of intense concentration and shock.  
  
“Kondou-san, Hijikata-san, Okita-san, fancy running into you here? Did you get a coupon for a free training session too?” asked Shinpachi, approaching the police officers. Kondou was too busy arguing to notice him and Okita was lazily skimming through his copy of the information leaflet so it was unclear if he was deliberately ignoring Shinpachi or just not paying attention.  
  
Hijikata, however, looked over in Shinpachi’s direction and started to reply “Ah, not quite. Old man Matsudaira is making us investi...” but was interrupted by the roaring gorilla he called his boss complaining to the Bender administering his test.  
  
“Just because my asshole is bit more hairy than average doesn’t make me a gorilla! Ok maybe it’s not just a bit more hairy than average but that doesn’t change the point!”  
  
“Shut up Gorilla! Nobody wants to hear about your asshole!” berated Hijikata, annoyed by his commander’s loud and unsightly display.  
  
Gintoki and Kagura came over to join the conversation. Ankh also approached while asking “Is there some problem over here, Catarrh?” directing his question at the Bender arguing with Kondou. She was a tall, thin, old and wrinkly dark-skinned Amanto woman with a smoking pipe and short antennae. After a short coughing fit she responded “No, just another lower life form trying to learn bending. The other two are good enough though.”  
  
Pointing her pipe at Hijikata she said “This one’s ready for a course in Waterbending with me...” and moving her arm towards Okita, who was still lackadaisically perusing the leaflet, continued “...and this one’s going to do some Earthbending with Tofu...” Finally, returning her pipe to her mouth and taking a puff, she tilted her head and Kondou and denigrated “...but this Gorilla is hopeless.”  
  
Ankh sighed. “No Airbending students for me again I see. I also have one for you and one for Tofu here...” indicating in the direction of Gintoki and Kagura, who were glaring at the Shinsengumi members they now noticed were here “...as well as one pair of glasses.”  
  
Hijikata, returning Gin’s aggressive glare with an equally hostile one, spoke with no effort to hide his irritation “Don’t tell me I’m stuck with this idiotic lazy excuse of a samurai...”  
  
To nobody’s surprise, Gintoki did not rise above this provocation and butted heads with Hijikata. “What do you mean you’re stuck with me? I don’t exactly want to see your mayonnaise-addicted face either, dumbass!”  
  
The elderly Waterbender pushed them apart. “If that’s going to be a problem you can both leave. Waterbending is a peaceful and serene art where you must flow calmly like water.”  
  
While Hijikata grumbled something to himself about not wanting to be here, Gintoki was reminded of his disagreeable landlady. “Are you kidding me? The old hag’s Amanto Doppelganger here is telling me to be calm? Your smoking has messed up your voice so much that the author is only one step away from adding a note saying ‘CV : Kujira’ to your scenes!”  
  
“How rude! I don’t smoke!” replied the Waterbender, seemingly taking offense. She took a step back and with a swift turn of her body to one side and a raised arm, a liquid came out from a bottle on her waist and flowed into her pipe. “This is vaping, moron!”  
  
“Oiiii, isn’t this supposed to be some refined martial art? Don’t use it to bend vape liquid!”  
  
Meanwhile, Okita Sougo raised his head from the leaflet for the first time in the conversation and looked over at Ankh, ignoring Kagura who was pulling childish faces at him, to ask “Hey, you said you were an Airbender? It says in this book that they all have shaved heads to show their devotion to the art. Then why are you wearing a wi...”  
  
Ankh coughed loudly to cut off the end of the sentence. “Now now, don’t concern yourself too deeply with the... intricate philosophy of Airbending. You and this girl here, Kagura was it?  
  
Yes, you will be learning Earthbending. Where did Tofu go? She is our best Earthbender and quite possibly the best Bender of any kind I know. You will be in good hands.”  
  
Kagura asked “So... what’s an Earthbender then? Is it those things Zeon use to fight the Earth Federation?”  
  
“No, those are Zakus.”  
  
Ankh lightly cleared his throat and changed the topic back to serious discussion.  
  
“Earthbending is the art of manipulating the ground itself to defend oneself and restrain foes.”  
  
While he continued to explain, a short and fat Amanto girl with bare, dirt-encrusted feet, and closed eyes walked over.  
  
Ankh noticed her and paused his explanation to introduce her. “Ah, here she is. This is Tofu.”  
  
Kagura interjected. “She looks like she eats a lot of Tofu.”  
  
Ignoring yet another joke of this kind, Ankh continued “I was just explaining how Earthbending is about controlling the earth itself. Tofu walks around with bare feet so she can sense vibrations in the ground to Earthbend with the highest levels of skill. Despite her blindness, this lets her perceive the world more accurately than those of us with full vision. Why, I’m sure she can even feel the vibrations of that small spider walking on the ground by my feet and could precisely target it.”  
  
As he finished saying this, Tofu said “Yeah, easy.” then motioned as if to step on the spider but stamped on Ankh’s toe.  
  
Screaming in pain ,he exclaimed “I know you’re doing this on purpose! What kind of grudge do you have against me?!”  
  
Tofu laughed and ignored him, turning to Kagura. “The best Earthbenders all have something of a sadistic streak in them. I have high hopes for a Yato such as yourself given your combative prowess.”  
  
Shocked and impressed, Kagura exclaimed “Wow, you can tell that without seeing me? How do you do it?”  
  
With a slight chuckle, the master Earthbender pointed to the middle of the girl’s chest and explained “Your vibrations are very similar to other Yato I have met. In fact…”  
  
Gintoki butted in and jabbed “If it’s first-class sadists you want, your other student might turn out to be your new star pupil.”  
  
“You’re funny, boss.” replied Okita. “A nice young man like me a sadist? No way.” he continued, while making indecent gestures in front of the blind girl’s face.  
  
“Well, anyway, when’s that free food? Can’t... uh... bend on an empty stomach, right?” inquired Gintoki. Catarrh was the one to reply. “We tried having food before the training once but then all the homeless people came and just ate everything and left before training. No, we will train first.”  
  
With a deep sigh and a mental note to take out this frustration on a certain MADAO that was no doubt responsible for the present situation, Gintoki tried to ignore his convulsing stomach for a little while longer.  
  
\--  
  
After a while, each of the Benders took their students with them to separate training grounds around the area. Catarrh took Gintoki and Hijikata to a riverside embankment at the edge of the camp, and Tofu took Okita and Kagura to a side of the camp with many rocks and piles of excavated earth set up. Ankh took pity on the two who showed no bending talent in the test, explaining it’s ‘not always correct’ and that he’d try to teach them some Airbending anyway. Thus, Shinpachi and Kondou entered the main tent with him.  
  
\--  
  
Ankh began by demonstrating a basic move in Airbending. He formed a sphere of spinning air below him and sat upon it, appearing to float. He instructed “First you must picture the flow of the air around you, but also imagine how your breathing connects you to that flow of air. Then, with your breathing and mind in perfect harmony, begin to move the air.”  
  
Concentrating on this description, Shinpachi reflected deeply on his breathing. He was used to martial arts training, growing up in a dojo. This Amanto art of Airbending was a bit different to his experiences but he felt it was not an insurmountable gap in technique from what he knew well. A deep breath in, then another deep breath out. This repeated again and again. Shinpachi thought he could begin to feel the air move around him as he desired when his concentration was sharply broken; a rancid smell entered his nostrils as he took a deep breath in.  
  
Recoiling from the shock of a sudden influx of bad smell, Shinpachi screamed in shock “What the hell is this?” Looking around, he saw Kondou, suddenly naked from the waist down, suspended in mid air upon a rotating ball of dark and stinky gas. The Shinsengumi commander rotated with the ball, and his own balls were obscured by a mosaic each time he turned towards Shinpachi’s direction. The dirty air was gradually filling the tent as it diffused out from the sphere. It seemed that more was continuously being produced to replace it, however, as it remained steady in size and shape.  
  
Impressed, Ankh commented “Amazing. He picked up the basics surprisingly quickly. Maybe gorillas have more potential than we thought!” A ball of clean air surrounded Ankh’s head, somewhat reducing the convincingness of his praise.  
  
“Oiiiii, that’s not Airbending! That’s just the dirty stalker gorilla passing gas!” raged Shinpachi at this absurd situation.  
  
Kondou folded his arms and grinned proudly despite his dignity falling to perhaps an all-time low. “How do you like that, Shinpachi-kun? Surely your sister will fall for me now that I am a master Airbender!”  
  
“You’re delusional! Nobody wants to see your hairy ass spin around on a ball of farts! Anyone with a hint of human decency would be repulsed!”  
  
“Now, now. No need to be jealous. I’m sure you will start to be able to Airbend soon too.” said Ankh in what was perhaps the worst attempt at pacifying outrage Shinpachi had heard in at least a couple of weeks (thanks to the company he kept such occurrences were not so infrequent). Yes, perhaps ever since Kagura argued that he should not be insulted at being called a ‘virgin otaku loser’ as at least it means he is the most likely member of the Odd Jobs to be sent to an Isekai world.  
  
Before being able to reflect on this any further, Shinpachi passed out from the smell that was filling the tent.  
  
\--  
  
Some time passed and Shinpachi woke up outside the tent near where they first signed up to learn Bending. Several other people were passed out nearby. Ankh stood to his left hammering a sign into the ground, but Kondou was nowhere to be seen. Upon closer inspection, the reason for this became apparent; the sign read ‘No Gorillas Allowed!’  
  
“Ah, Shimura-san, you are awake.” said Ankh as he turned around to look at Shinpachi.  
  
“Should I ask what happened while I was unconscious?”  
  
“Probably not... in any case, we should go check on the others. It is time for the mid-day lunch break before a second training session in the afternoon. This time, hopefully without violating pollution laws.”  
  
With that said, the two proceeded over to the Earthbender training ground. Many of the larger rocks had been unearthed and were embedded in the ground elsewhere. The earth was badly scarred and nearby trees and tents had been smashed and flattened.  
  
“Such power... what happened here? Tofu? Where are you?”  
  
Emerging from behind an unusually smooth and rectangular slab of rock amidst the destruction, the Earthbender cautiously looked around before explaining, with fear in her expression, “I tried... I tried to teach them Earthbending. The first exercise as always was to wear a blindfold and lie on the ground and become accustomed to vibrations. The young man fell asleep soon after starting this. That alone would be fine... but the Yato girl...”  
  
Shinpachi was worried, hearing this. Had Kagura somehow been hurt? Tofu continued.  
  
“She was not advancing. I created various types of vibrations and asked her to sense them and tell me what caused them, but she couldn’t. After a while, however, there was a rumbling like nothing I’ve ever felt... not quite like an earthquake but as violent. However, it was coming from one specific place, and I realised it was coming from her. She began to scream as if in pain or very angry.”  
  
At this point, Shinpachi had a good idea of what had happened. Still he listened to Tofu’s terrified description.  
  
“I refuse to ever train a Yato again! This is an affront to the art of Earthbending! You can’t just rip rocks out of the ground with brute strength and throw them around! That’s not how it works.”  
  
“Where is she now?” asked Shinpachi.  
  
After a short search around the destroyed landscape, they found Okita sleeping in the same place he fell asleep earlier. It seems the apocalypse unfolding around him was not sufficient to disturb his sleep. A little farther away, they also found an unconscious Kagura.  
  
Tofu, worried, said “That rumbling noise... it is still there... “  
  
Approaching, Shinpachi heard Kagura’s stomach incessantly grumbling as she muttered something about barbecue in her sleep.  
  
After waking up the two failed Earthbending students, the group went over to the riverside to see how the Waterbending training was going.  
  
“I hope at least one group of students managed to get somewhere.” pondered Ankh as they approached. Soon after he said this however, two powerful jets of liquid clashed in the air above them, one white and one pink. Tofu quickly raised a shield made of rock from the ground below to cover her head so none of it fell on her, but the rest of the party was drenched by the downpour this caused.  
  
Shinpachi looked at the liquid on his hands and from the smell, decided to lick a little off his finger. “As I thought... these are... mayonnaise and... strawberry milk? Then that means...”  
  
Before he could complete the thought, Hijikata and Gintoki ran out in front of the group and towards each other with their arms stretched out behind them, wearing ninja outfits and metal forehead protectors. As they got closer to one another, they suddenly stopped and brought their arms forwards. Each of them formed several seals with their hands in quick succession.  
  
“MAYO DRAGON MISSILE JUTSU”  
  
“STRAWBERRY PARFAIT SHIELD JUTSU”  
  
Hijikata manipulated the river water from afar with an elegant and swift series of stances and arm movements, resembling the motions of a master martial artist. As he did so, the river water formed a dragon shape and rushed towards Gintoki, turning into mayonnaise as it took form.  
  
Simultaneously, Gintoki made a similar series of movements but gathered water in front of him, turning it into a sweet strawberry-tasting pink liquid. Hijikata’s mayonnaise dragon crashed into it, and the two masses of liquid cancelled each other out, falling harmlessly to the ground and splashing out.  
  
Catarrh shouted from a treetop above “Ok, that’s enough for today!”  
  
The two apparently-skilled Waterbenders both went “Tch!” and walked off in opposite directions.  
  
Hijikata had already lit a cigarette before anyone had even noticed he had taken one out, and stomped off while muttered something, no doubt offensive, under his breath. Gintoki meanwhile was picking his nose and staring blankly into space.  
  
Ankh exclaimed “Incredible. Despite appearances they are skilled. After such a short training session, they have already mastered such high level techniques?”  
  
Nodding, Catarrh croaked a reply “These two are the most competitive students I’ve ever had. They just kept escalating things until they reached this level and then just had a mock battle with their new skills, all with me barely instructing them. They may be genius Waterbenders.”  
  
Gintoki with a finger halfway buried in his nose by this point did not have the air of a genius. The surly Hijikata with one hand in his pocket and the other gripping a gently-burning cigarette between two fingers was hardly better.  
  
“I don’t know whether to first point out that what they were bending wasn’t water any more, or that I don’t think that was a ‘mock’ battle...” muttered the now tired-out Shinpachi, having seen one too many ridiculous things today to even keep up playing the straight man with any vigour.  
  
\--  
  
Following all the training sessions coming to a close, the students and teachers walked back to the main tent with the promise of lunch finally being delivered to them there.  
  
Gintoki and Kagura slouched as they walked like zombies, lagging behind the rest of the group. Shinpachi slowed down to motivate his friends. “Come on, you two, only a little longer now!”  
  
“Shut up four-eyes” was uttered in unison by the pair of them as if their mutual state of starvation had brought them into a shared consciousness focused on Shinpachi-abuse.  
  
Hijikata heard from Ankh what had happened with Kondou and facepalmed in despair. “That dumbass stalker is going to commit seppuku this time, I’ll see to it.”  
  
“Speaking of stalkers...” interjected Tofu, before sharply turning and launching a rock towards the foliage of some nearby trees.  
  
A person jumped out from the treetops to avoid the projectile.  
  
“Heh, I guess you caught me. Not bad at all!” spoke the masochistic ninja with lavender hair and red glasses.  
  
Tofu glared at the young woman she had caught spying on them and threatened “It was easy with how much your heart was beating to sense your vibrations. I can stop it for you if you’d like.”  
  
“Don’t worry, we know her. Sacchan-san! What are you doing here? Just stalking Gin-san again?” enquired Shinpachi while trying to pacify the Earthbender before a fight broke out.  
  
“Well... yes... I mean no. Not quite. I’m here for work but when I noticed Gin-san I couldn’t help but tag along!” she said with glee.  
  
Gintoki muttered to himself “Hey this Earthbending business seems useful considering the stalker infestation we have lately. Maybe I should learn that instead of Water.”  
  
“Hmph, a flimsy dotard like you could never master Earthbending. A rock-hard will is needed to bend the earth itself.” Tofu said savagely.  
  
“Well you have a point. The only thing that makes me rock-hard lately is Ketsuno Ana’s bikini calendar, available to members of her fan club.” replied Gintoki, earning himself a disappointed glare from his employees.  
  
“AH, GIN-SAN, YOU CAN BEND ME OVER AND USE YOUR ROCK-HARD ***** ANY TIME!” screamed the ninja, clinging on to Gintoki’s arm.  
  
“I see as always the only thing you can bend is the decency of the conversation. Don’t you feel bad for all the people who have to apologise when the PTA complain about this sort of thing?” criticised Shinpachi  
  
“Don’t worry Shinpachi; this is just a fanfic so the gorilla mangaka and the Shuueisha staff aren’t liable for anything this time“ said Kagura with no regard for the fourth wall. Continuing, she curiously addressed Sarutobi “But really, what kind of work brought you here Sacchan?”  
Whispering in Kagura’s ear, she explained “The truth is, the Oniwaban heard some rumours that these Bender Amanto were plotting to assassinate the Shogun so we were sent by old man Matsudaira to investigate secretly.”  
  
“Oh, is that so?” asked Okita Sougo who had been quietly waking up from his earlier nap until now and as such managed to eavesdrop on this conversation undetected. “The thing is, we were sent here by the old geezer too but heard nothing of a conspiracy like that. Right, Hijikata-san?”  
  
Walking over and catching the drift of the conversation from his co-worker’s words, Hijikata confirmed with a grunting noise and added “We must have been the bait to get them to show off what this Bending thing is all about while the Oniwaban investigated from the shadows. Damn that old bastard!”  
  
Catarrh and Ankh noticed that they were under some suspicion from the discussion and the former clarified “Well, we don’t know of anything you police would be interested in here. Sure, there are Benders who use the art for nefarious deeds but we have no ties with them. It must be some other Benders you’re looking for.”, all the while casually vaping.  
  
The Airbender followed on to clear up the atmosphere “In any case, I’m sure we can talk things over during the lunch break. I’ll be happy to help with your investigation. Lunch should be ready now, please, come into the main tent.”  
  
Amidst the conversation, the party had reached the site of the lunch buffet. Ankh led everyone inside, opening the tent flap and beckoning them in.  
  
The shinsengumi vice commander was professionally obliged to not just drop the potential criminal investigation that was now underway and reached out to stop the Airbender, saying “Hold on now, this is no time for lunch. As an officer of the law I need to…”, but was interrupted and trampled by two sets of feet.  
  
“Finally, this is what I’ve been waiting for!” Gintoki began to run into the tent and across the room, swiftly followed by Kagura, towards the food laid out on a table.  
  
“Gin-chan, get your eyes off those fried chicken skewers! They’re mine!” screamed the Yato girl while barging into Gintoki.  
  
“Idiot! I’m looking at the cake behind them!” Gintoki pushed back such that they were running forwards, shoulders shoving each other away with an equal but opposite force.  
  
As they approached, they were too invested in their primal hunger to notice the sound of shouting outside. Shouting that escalated to the sounds of hurried footsteps and a clash of metal on metal. It was therefore a surprise to the two hungry Odd Jobs members when the conflict outside resulted in a human-shaped blur being sent flying in through another entrance to the tent.  
  
Everything seemed to go in slow motion for a second as the blur sped towards the table of food. Gintoki and Kagura reacted quickly, putting aside their battle for a moment to reach forwards and yell “No!” but it was all for nothing. They were not close enough. Before anyone could react, the lunch buffet was scattered across the floor and the table it rested on destroyed.  
  
Gintoki and Kagura stopped in their tracks, faces the very image of horror. As this was going on, Ankh approached the destruction to exclaim “What in the Avatar’s name is going on here?”  
  
Standing up in the wreckage, the one who had been violently flung into the tent gripped his sword with both hands and took a battle stance in the direction of the entrance he had come from. Despite the cake that was splattered across the top of his head, his long black hair could be seen flowing in the wind that was still turbulently disturbing the air inside the tent from the force with which he was launched in.  
  
A figure appeared in the entranceway of the tent; the opponent of the black-haired man.  
  
The food-covered intruder directed his spite at the shadow in the doorway. “Accursed dogs of the Shogun! To think you would have found me here!”  
  
The familiar voice and the blue kimono, now stained with various foodstuffs, combined with the distinctively fabulous dark hair allowed Gintoki to quickly identify his childhood friend even amongst the mess.  
  
Hijikata also recognised the Joui Leader, Katsura, voicing his thoughts on the matter “Well, I’m starting to think that rumour might have some truth to it, if the likes of Katsura are here.” and drawing his sword. Okita also prepared his bazooka for combat.  
  
A frantic screech, far too high pitched to be expected given Gintoki’s usual deep voice, “ZURAAAAA! What the hell are you doing to my food?!”  
  
“My name isn’t Zura!” [4] replied Katsura in his usual routine. As he said this, he removed one hand from the handle of his sword and used it to perform a Bending motion.  
  
“It’s Zura-Bender!”  
  
And with these words, Ankh’s expression turned to embarrassment as his wig abruptly flew off his head in the direction of the assailant in the entranceway under the influence of Katsura’s newfound power.  
  
\--  
  
Meanwhile, in a darkened room somewhere in the underworld of Edo, a secret meeting was taking place. Two shadowy figures were scheming. One of them stepped forwards into the light of a flaming torch set in the middle of the area. A frowning, pale white-skinned Amanto in red hooded robes, and with a burn scar covering the top right quadrant of his face and right eye. He spoke. “As you can see from my little demonstration there, this power should be more than sufficient to fulfil your purposes.”  
  
The other figure responded. “What was it you called yourself? Zucker? Yes... you have shown me something very interesting.”  
  
After a dramatic pause, Zucker nodded in satisfaction and spoke again “So then, we have an agreement?”  
  
Still in the darkness, his conversation partner raised one hand, and from it generated a small flame on the end of one fingertip. This revealed his face and its crazed, twisted expression, obscured slightly still by the bandages covering his right eye and the skin around it.  
  
Another pause for effect, as is so often favoured by the villainous sort.  
  
“Yes, we do. I’ll put this... Firebending... to good use and help take care of your problem. And after that... Edo... the Shogun... this declining and neutered country... will burn!”  
  
As he finished speaking, he extinguished the fire he had created, leaving only a short impression of the manic, evil grin that his mouth was curving into as he faded once again into darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. OST track name as given in Romaji at https://vgmdb.net  
2\. I intend to respect Eastern convention for name order.  
3\. Imagine Kagura's way of speech yourself. I won't add an "-aru" or a "-uh huh" nor come up with some racist mockery of a Chinese accent.  
4\. Zura means wig. If you are invested enough in Gintama to be reading this fic but don't know that then you must have missed a lot of jokes before this one though.  
5\. The basic idea for this fic came from a Twitter thread my wife (@calawethrin) told me about where @printfogey and her talked about what type of Benders some Gintama characters would be. This led me to suggest a few ideas for how an Avatar parody would look in Gintama’s world and was encouraged to write a short fic based on the ideas. I hence dedicate this fic to her. We are huge Gintama fans and find it has infected our day-to-day life with us making Gintama-style jokes all the time, so I think I’ve got a decent understanding of the style of humour used, but I had no idea how successfully I could convert it into writing! Hopefully I did it justice and someone finds enjoyment from this.


End file.
